The Closet Case that is Stephen Crane

September 20, 2009 at 8:31 pm Leave a comment

Note: I don’t SERIOUSLY believe any of this. I just wrote it because… Well, I was supposed to be writing an essay on Stephen Crane’s “The Open Boat,” but writer’s block got the best of me. Someone told me that if I wanna get rid of writer’s block, I should just start writing. This obviously didn’t work, as I haven’t written anything for my actual essay, except maybe the first sentence below.

Stephen Crane’s “The Open Boat” takes us through the experience of four men stranded in the ocean. These four men are an oiler, a cook, a correspondent, and a captain. When reading between the lines, one will realize that these men are obviously attracted to each other. The cook, the captain, and the correspondent clearly admire the masculinity of the oiler and totally want in his pants.

This story is filled with homosexual undertones and should be burned by churches all over the world. Anyone who buys the e-book should have their Kindles confiscated and reformatted so that this work can never be read in them. As much as this would piss off Jeff Bezos and the publishing industries, I think Stephen Crane’s works should be kept as far away from the public eye as possible. His stories a) are super slow and b) do not teach anyone about the philosophy of man. (Unless, of course, the man is a raging homosexual.)

Not only on The Open Boat does Crane do this. His novel The Red Badge of Courage was slow and filled with homosexuality. Except instead of four being in the middle of the ocean, there are hundreds of young men in a battlefield contemplating their cowardice and sexual preference. And honestly, if anyone can be so descriptive and poetic about anything, they are obviously gay. They should not be published. They should not have their works be required reading for high school and college students all over the United States. These kids are being brainwashed by the work of Stephen Crane and will eventually realize that they too want to be homosexuals and surrounded by men at all times.

Sure, George Orwell has published books about how the government works (or doesn’t work), but at least the men (and animals) weren’t flaming queens. Winston Smith was interested in having sex with a womanOnly a woman. The way it should be. And honestly, no one ever takes George Orwell seriously. He is a wonderful fiction author, and that is all he is. Stephen Crane, on the other hand, pretty much writes his life experience into his works. He doesn’t have the mental capabilities of making anything up for his own. Everything is writes is SOML-type shit.

(didn’t bother to proofread, so sorry if there are a lot of mistakes!)

Now,  I should start working on my actual essay!

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Ode To Community College Students

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